Movie of The Week: The Andromeda Strain

"A group of scientists investigate a deadly new virus before it can spread." IMDb

The Andromeda Strain is the 1971 film adaptation of the Michael Crichton novel of the same name.  It's really a different breed of movie than exists today, and I'm gonna try really hard not to compare it to other virus movies from more recent years, because that's really not fair to this movie...welp, I tried.  Let's compare it to Outbreak!  Outbreak is one of my favorite movies.  It's got an amazing cast, a thrilling and suspenseful story, it's got action, shooting, helicopters, bombs, bleeding from the eyes, shouting, swearing, Morgan Freeman, and pathogen carrying death monkeys...What's not to love!?  Here's the thing though:  The Andromeda Strain is not supposed to be anything like Outbreak.  The Andromeda Strain is crafted specifically to make the audience tear their hair out from the suspense!  It's supposed to make you feel uneasy the whole time.  You're not supposed to be scared, or entertained really about anything that's going on, but simply on the edge of your seat, worrying your ass off about what's gonna happen.  This movie does it's job very effectively.

The basic plot is that a satellite has crashed in a little town called Piedmont, and when the government sends people in to retrieve it...all of a sudden, they just up and lose contact with the people they sent in, and they don't know why!  So, before sending more people in, they at least go grab a couple of science-y people and put them in like space suit things...and then put they sent them in there.  What they find is rather unsettling.  Everyone is dead.  They're just dead.  And these people aren't all bloody, or curled over in pain or anything like that.  They're just dead...like they up and died doing whatever the hell they were doing.  They just dropped!  It's really creepy actually how calm everyone looks...like the whole town has a nap-time.  So anyway, the science-y people in the suits find the satellite thing, and come to the conclusion that the town doctor ( most likely the only guy in town who can read) pried the thing open, and in doing so, inadvertently air-murdered the whole town.  Nice going Doc!  Also, apparently only two people hadn't been affected by the satellite: an old crazy drunk, and a baby.  So, the dudes in the suits (carefully) haul the satellite and the two survivors back with them to their super secret multi-level underground pathogenic research facility to try and figure this shit out.  Before they go down there though, they tell the Pentagon or whatever to nuke the entire area, or else we could all be doomed!...but they don't.  *dramatic music*

I'm not gonna tell you much more about the movie, because I actually want people to watch it, and your interest should be peaked by now!  And even though you've never heard of anyone in this movie ever, it's from the guy that brought you Jurassic Park!  Plus there's blinking red lights, seizures, lasers, countdowns, decontamination, crying, more decontamination, burning, even more decontamination, rubber suits, nukes, suppositories that decontaminate your colon (what?), testing, growth cultures, getting shot in the face, and even a monkey!  Oh yeah, and if I haven't mentioned this yet, a shit-ton of suspense!  So check it out...if you like older movies.  If not, there's a 2008 remake that I haven't watched yet, but it's probably a similar story with a lot more modern things like sex and explosions in it or something...ya know, I'm guessing.

...seriously though, it wasn't really all that exciting, but for the time it did exactly what it set out to do and that's why the star rating is as high as it is.  It's a classic!  Not the way Jaws is a classic, but I digress...

Superbad Review/Love Fest.

Yep, I just gave Superbad 5 stars. Wanna know why I did such a thing? I fucking love this movie. I don't know if there's a person in this world that has as much of raging boner for this movie as I do. I mean, there's a fucking Bad Religion poster just randomly placed in this movie. HOW COULD I NOT LOVE IT?!!?!

See, I told you so.

So what can I say about this movie? First of all, it's up there for me as one of the best comedy films I have ever seen. I know a lot of people would say that's a bold statement and that I'm overrating the fuck out of this movie, but suck it. This is my review and I can say whatever the fuck I please. Second of all, it spawned my love for Emma Stone...oh how I love her so much.

"Bobby, will you marry me?!"

So yeah, she's pretty great. Another thing about this movie is that it's one of the few movies where Michael Cera doesn't annoy the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong, he's by no way the best part of this movie. He's actually kinda just there for me when it comes to this movie, which is better than some of the other things he has been in. I'd say the highlight of this movie has to be Seth Rogen and Bill Hader.

Seriously...so fucking good.

This movie is actually pretty heart warming when you sit back and think about it. It's a story about two best friends who are going to pretty much "break up" due to going to different schools. They're both growing up, finding their first real loves, and all that sappy shit. Which leads to absolute chaos, in the most amazing way possible. Did I mention dick pictures?! THERE ARE PLENTY OF THOSE!!

Yep.

Basically what this movie comes down to for me is this: friends growing up and trying to go from High School to being adults. Add a bunch of hilarious moments, and you get a really great movie. I would like to point out that Michael Cera's character is a way better man than I ever will be. When that Becca chick offers to give him the best blow j ever...and he turns it down because she's drunk...yeah. Don't know if I could have turned that one down.

On second thought..I know I couldn't turn that down.

Jonah Hill is great in this movie as well. Now that I think about it, he might be the true highlight for me. I just want to have a friend who is exactly like his character in this movie. He also some how bags Emma Stone in the end, lucky son of a fucking bitch. But for serious, this movie is great. If you disagree, you're dumb and your opinion really doesn't matter. So fuck off.

42 Review Podcast

42? I missed the other 41! Dan, Bobby and I check out this biopic. Does it stand up to the legend? Tune into this super short, under 30 minute review and listen to the thought of people who don't watch that much sports.

Episode 26 - 42

Movie Of The Week: Serenity

If you don't know what Firefly is yet, do yourself a favor and go watch all of it on Netflix right now. It is one of the best shows ever. Recently I got the itch to watch it all over again, for the 4th or 5th time now. Fourteen episodes of awesome. And this movie is the perfect end-cap to the whole thing. While not every question gets answers, it ties a nice bow on this great show turned cult favorite that got cut down way to early.

What makes Firefly/Serenity so great? Several things but mainly the great characters played by amazing actors. The future being not as shiny as Star Trek, but not as fantastical as Star Wars, or as boring as Battlestar Galactica (personal opinion on that one) and it has a wonderful sense of humor. It is also a little more realistic in its dealings of physics of space. This movie does work as a standalone, hell I saw this before I even heard of Firefly and thought it was amazing. To find out there was more, I was ecstatic. Watching it after watching all of the show is definitely more impactful with the events that transpire in the film. The movie is definitely in the same vain as the show, you can't tell the difference from the two (aside from better effects). Not like going from Star Trek The Next Generation to any of its movies, which look and feel tonally different. It helps that the main writer was still the one to write the movie, as well as direct it.

So if you have 12 hours to kill, or if you ever want to feel complete in your life, I recommend marathoning all of Firefly and Serenity. You won't be disappointed.

Monday Review: Pitch Perfect

"Beca, a freshmen at Barden University, is cajoled into joining The Bellas, her school's all-girls singing group.  Injecting some much needed energy into their repertoire, The Bellas take on their male rivals in a campus competition." - IMDb

So, I'm trying something a little different this time, and I'm actually writing this review while the movie in question is literally on, and I've had a few drinks, and I've been cajoled into writing a review. (See what I did there?  What a fucking weird, yet oddly precise word choice there IMDb) ... So anyway, oddly enough, the reason the movie is on is because I'm kind of obsessed with this movie.  But before you call me gay or lame or whatever, allow me to defend it for a second or two...

I've always liked music and musicals and stuff like that.  Even music that is probably lame, or so you say...whoever you are!  But anyway, this movie is kind of like Glee, but if it were totally not pretentious or trying to relay a message or any of that nonsense.  This is basically a college comedy with less nudity (sadly none) but plenty of attractive ladies to look at, more clever jokes, and a bunch of nifty popular/classic music mash-ups...it's just really solidly put together and I try to get people to watch it with me, and I'm often met with, "whatever fag, make me a sandwich!"  Ok that has never happened...but when people roll their eyes at the suggestion, it feels the same...*sniffle*

All in all, this movie does very little to take itself seriously, which more than anything else, draws me to it.  I think the movie is really funny.  It also takes a different path as far as the plot goes than most movies do, but it's just formulaic enough to keep you interested.  It's kinda like a refreshing take on an old story, with a lot of singing in it, but not Disney/Highschool the Musical/Glee type bullshit.  

Really though, this movie is like a choir kid's wet dream, so, you might not actually like it...so bite me.  I'm gonna have another drink and continue watching some hot funny bitches sing songs I know.

Pacific Rim Review Podcast

Giant robots punching giant monsters? If it had some boobs, 12 year old me would have given it 5 stars. But 28 year old me needs more. More boobs? Maybe. This movie surprises us. Come listen as we break down the good, the bad, and the Del Toro.

Episode 25 - Pacific Rim

Why A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010) Was Such a Piece of Shit

I once again had no idea that it was my turn to review anything today (I blame Dan. He gets to just skip reviewing things whenever he wants. Jerk ass.) Considering I have nothing new to really recommend to you guys and gals, I figured I'd just rip on a movie that I absolutely hate. Recently I expressed my love for the original A Nightmare on Elm Street, so why not explain why I hate this utter piece of shit? With that being said, here goes nothing.

When I first heard they were remaking this movie, I wasn't surprised at all. I was obviously really pissed off, but seeing as ever other mediocre to great horror movie had already been remade, why wouldn't Hollywood decide to ruin one of the best Horror movies of all time?! What a shock, it was produced by Michael Bay and Platinum Dunes! Not shocking considering most of the movies they've done are shitty remakes of perfectly acceptable Horror films. They've all been poorly received, but they make a shit load of money, so they keep making these pieces of shit. As I was saying, I was in no way surprised that they decided to remake this film, I was just extremely disappointed that it was actually going to happen.

So when I finally saw this movie, I was not at all shocked at how much I disliked it. First of all, let's just talk about the big, fat, smelly, pink Elephant in the room. Robert Englund didn't return to the role of Freddy Krueger. That being said, when it was first announced that Jackie Earle Haley was going to take over the role, I was kind of excited to see what he'd end up doing with the role. Sadly, he failed miserably. I can't blame it all on him...he didn't decide how Freddy was going to look. (He looked like a sad little puppy dog. I felt bad for him, not scared at all by how he looked. Not really what you should be going for in a Horror film.) But that fucking voice was so God damn awful. He just did his Rorschach voice from The Watchmen, and they just did some fancy Hollywood work on it to make it sound that much worse. So yeah, that's not much of a start for this turd of a movie.

Let's talk about some other things that really sucked about this movie. First of all, the CGI. Obviously there was plenty of that done on Freddy's face to make him look "scarier". That didn't really work, sorry guys! The scene where Freddy comes through the wall looks better in the 1984 film, which also used fucking special effects...but some how looks way better still with a 26 year gap. WHAT THE FUCK?! Oh, and it seems like every dream has to have some bull shit effect that looks horrible. We KNOW CGI can be done well, yet in most movies it just seems to look terrible. This movie is not an exception. Why not just use some practical effects? Is that too much to ask for?

How about the characters in this movie, or lack there of? They do the same bait and switch kind of thing as the original. They build up one girl at first (if you could really say that) and then she dies and is replaced by the real main character. Rooney Mara who would later go on to be pretty great in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo plays Nancy in this movie. But instead of being a person you can root for and who you want to survive...she's an annoying, emotionless, goth-ish chick. She's terrible. Absolutely terrible. Oh and her partner in crime in this movie? He's an annoying emo kid that you want to see die. Not much for great character development here. Speaking of, let's get to Freddy's story in this movie. He was a gardener at a pre school. First of all, WHAT?! Freddy is a gardener?! Uh...okay. The whole movie you are slowly shown more and more of his back story. The parents burn him alive when their kids tell them stories about what he does with them. He's a child molester...or is he? Yeah, he is.

That's one thing that I thought this movie really could have done differently and it would have actually been a nice little twist. When he finally reveals why he's coming after them, he could say they lied about him being a child molester and got him killed for no reason. Instead he's just like "YOU TOLD ON ME! SO NOW I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Oh, okay. Well we already knew all of this from seeing the original movie. (Though he was called a child killer due to stupid shit happening at the time.) They actually had a chance to throw in an interesting twist and make this their own...and they failed.

The movie ends in a way that looks just as bad as the original ending. This left open the option for a sequel, which thankfully after 3 years there hasn't been one yet, nor have I heard that they're going to do one. It really does suck being a fan of Horror films, knowing full well that all of the movies you love are going to end up being remade. I say that because 9 times out of 10 the remake is just fucking terrible. The fact that I love the original so much makes this movie the remake I hate the most of all. It's just so bad when being compared to the original. I could just go on and on and on and on and on and on about why I hate this movie. In fact, I already have done that. It would be nice if people would stop paying to see these movies. As long as Hollywood is making money on these, there's no need for them to be original. There's no need for them to come up with their own ideas, when they can just remake something else and make money off of the title alone.

I'm going to wrap this up by suggesting that you watch the original A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead (Though I did enjoy the remake) A Night of the Living Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and so on. Then go ahead and watch the remakes and see what I mean. Stop fucking with classic horror films and try to come up with your own idea. I'm done. Seriously. I'm fucking done. This took too long and I rambled on for way too long. Fuck. Bye!

World War Z Review Podcast

After a tough week of technical difficulties, and losing our main computer, here is our review for World War Z! This episode was crazy to edit, we had interruptions up the wazoo. So, is it like the book? Is it any good? Can we still enjoy a zombie movie? Tune in and find out!

Episode 24 - World War Z

Movie of the Week: Sharknado

This is a perfect storm of awesome sauce. I wanted ridiculous, crazy, stupid, fun, and that is what I got. I laughed so hard at this movie. Schlocky CGI, mixed with bad stock footage, shaky cam during a stationary car scene, great terrible acting, and insane events. We are talking about a Waterspout Tornado picking up sharks, launching them at people, and eventually flying a helicopter to fight them. Plus Tara Reid doing something that seems like acting! There are parts where you see deep under water shots of sharks that are suppose to be in the flooded streets of California. Or shooting a flying shark in  the head to make him stop flying. The Hollywood sign even kills a guy. What's even better is that the main people in this are the only people effected by this, no one else seems to notice anything is even happening. This one is easy, you grab some drinks, gather your friends, and prepare for the worst. You will not regret it. Syfy channel has done it again with an amazing horrible b movie that is so bad, it's good.

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story Review Sorta Thing?

So I had no idea it was my turn to write a review today, and I really had no idea what the fuck I was going to talk about. So I decided to just review the last movie I watched (Well, I put this on last night when I went to sleep...but that counts, right?) It just so happens to be a movie I absolutely love. Obviously, that movie is Walk Hard. YAAAAAAAAAAY!

First of all, I have to say that I love John C. Reilly. I know he's one of those actors that people sometimes shit on for being the same character in all of his movies. First of all, that's not true. Second of all, he's amazing at what he does, so back the fuck off you jerks! I'd also like to say that this movie was what basically made me fall in love with Jenna Fischer. She looks gorgeous in this movie, and I just want to cry a little inside that I'll never have a chance in the world with her.

With all that being said, I suppose I should talk about this movie. Basically, the wrong kid dies, leading to Dewey trying to be the greatest thing to ever happen in life...because his brother he just cut in half with a machete had those dreams. Makes sense, right? This leads to a Walk The Line parody/life story thing happening. It's so fucking funny. Seriously. It's hilarious. THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING HILARIOUS. Did I mention that Jenna Fischer is really hot in this movie? I did? Well I just said it again.

That guy that sang Even Flow also has a cameo at the end of this movie, so that's cool. I don't really know what else to say about this movie. I can't even try to bring up all of the funny moments in this movie. I mean, he really wants to try some caaacaine...that was pretty great. How about that other part in this movie that was really funny?! That's like my favorite part!

To wrap this shit up, if you're dumb and haven't seen this yet, go watch it. If you have seen this movie and thought it sucked, I hate you. Seriously. I don't know why I know you. You're a terrible person who has no reason to live. End it. END IT RIGHT NOW!

Movie of the Week: The Count of Monte Cristo

"A young man, falsely imprisoned by his jealous 'friends,' escapes and uses a hidden treasure to exact his revenge." IMDb

The Count of Monte Cristo has been one of my favorite movies since I saw it in theater when it first came out.  I have seen it countless times, and I'm sure I will watch it many times in the future.  It's one of those movies where if you tell me that you haven't seen it...we're watching it.  I don't care if I already watched it earlier that day, we're watching it, cause you gotta see this...and I will probably spend most of the movie annoyingly looking at your face to see if you're enjoying it as much as you should be.  Yeah I'm that guy...

So, not only is this movie brilliantly cast, well acted, and paced wonderfully, but this type of story should have a special place in the heart of anyone who's ever felt like they have gotten the shaft before. It's a story about revenge!  Who hasn't ever wanted to serve someone their comeuppance on a nice frosty plate?  A frosty plate of doom!  I suppose for me, specifically, I love this movie because I've always been the fat kid who got picked on and stuff, so I happen to find the idea of somebody who disappears for a long time, reinvents himself, comes back unrecognized by his foes, destroys their entire world, AND THEN EXPLAINS THE ENTIRE PLOT IN A DRAMATIC AND PRECISELY TIMED MONOLOGUE!!!...*deep breathes*...quite appealing.  

So yeah, I don't want to give anything else about this movie away.  Just go watch it.  And if you've seen it already, fuck it, watch it again....Also the guy who plays Superman in the new Man of Steel movie is it is as a kid.  That doesn't really add or detract either way, but I figure I can at least keep this shit current.

Lincoln Review

So let me start this off by saying I am in no way a history buff, or a huge fan of politics. But for some reason I really wanted to see this movie. I just didn't have the heart to sit down and watch 2 and half hours of movie when it came out. Every film these days is over 2 hours, even the sucky ones. That said, I enjoyed the fuck out of Lincoln. 

Now I rented this movie because I was bored and as I said earlier I wanted to see it. I wasn't sure what to expect, aside from the time frame and knowing that you don't see him get shot at the end. The movie begins with two black soldiers talking to the President as he is visiting a camp. Daniel Day Lewis fucking nails the shit out of this role. You are in attention when he is on screen. There are parts when he is telling stories about why he is doing what he's doing and I just fell in love. It was like my grandpa talking to me, I didn't want it to end. So nomination and award earned, two times over.

The political side to the story is interesting. It talks about how Lincoln's cabinet was made up of both Republicans and Democrats and how they had to fight for the votes for the 14th amendment. This plays out sorta like an episode of West Wing. Serious but with the right amount of humor to keep you interested. It is definitely not for everyone, but I was really engaged the whole time. It was also fun watching without knowing everyone who was acting in it. It's like when people popped up I'd be like "Oh, that guy! Awesome. He totally fits that role."

This movie is really powerful and reminds you that not that long ago we just started correcting our country's mistakes. You see the fear for people who support the amendment and can almost understand the anger behind the fight against it, even while you disagree with them. I also came to the realization that I don't know shit about Lincoln. No idea he had two kids. I'm dumb. But I loved seeing his interaction with his wife and his children. Showing the hard times, and fights they had while he was also fighting to save the country. As well as Lincoln signing for the deserters of the war to not be hanged. It really makes you long for a leader with the gall to stand for what he thinks is right, to make the changes he knows are need. Really was the perfect movie for me to watch before our Independence Day. 'Merica, right in the heart.

I gave this movie a 4 out of 5 because I really enjoyed it. But I don't think I'll ever own it. I may watch it again but not any time soon. Is it historically accurate? I don't know, but it is entertaining and a joy to watch. Everyone did a fantastic job in this film, playing their parts well. None better than Lewis. And that 2 and a half hours doesn't hurt in the least to sit through. Go watch it, you might learn something. Might even make you think about what people are fighting for today.